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werewolf
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Riding the train I looked ahead and no one was there in those seats ahead. I thought for a moment I was the only one on the train and panicked - I looked behind me - there were 17 - 20 faces spaced out in different seats, looking straight ahead. They were existing silently behind me that whole time. And yet for a moment it had been completely real that i was totally alone on there. When i was younger i'd often have the opposite experience. i'd feel tension when i was alone, as if it was an illusion. when you're young you need people ore, but i was for some reason more concerned then with preserving my lonliness - perhaps the two states had a distinction to me then. anyways - i'd often walk up the stairs in my empty house (looking at rooms other people, my family lived in, alien without their presence) after school and feel the weight of the dark room left behind or the door opened to the cellar. I thought there was something, someone in there with eyes always on my back. it was something horrible sometimes or something wonderful, you couldn't tell. was it a secret voice sharing a secret more important that any other? it was always mysterious, and it was always in a room you could by definition never enter (the room behind you, or ahead of you). Even now, because of that feeling, my childhood memories feel mysterious, as if that empty garage potential, being real then, must still be real now. When my dad died, I learned horrible things do wait in the darkness, not just at your back, but always ahead of you. So i still have hope that someday, the other feeling, the secret voice that made the garage tempting as well as horrible, that made me ambivalent, will issue forth and rescue me. if a life can be ruined suddenly from beyond my scope, perhaps the same realm can know what event would save me,
and mercifcully provide it,
and return to me the lonely purpose i once knew
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040503
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