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endless desire
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there's this quote i read on the inside of the garden state soundtrack. it reminds me of this crazy time in my life (strange how different cds bring up so many tangled emotions you never necessarily wished to relive). it says:
"maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
and it was insane how much that resonated with me. after i moved out, i was devasted to come home to such a broken family: my older brother's been kicked out for years; my sister moved away to dad's house to flew the chaos; my younger brother ran away for more than a month; my parents (mother & stepfather) are fighting in the most passive way possible.
i felt so heartbroken that this is what we've been reduced to because of the molestation. i want to blame myself for making everyone hate each other and bringing it all to light. i felt so goddamn responsible.
i just longed for the simplicity of my childhood. meals on the table--all together as a family. climbing trees and playing games and going swimming.
but in reality, the dirty laundry was killing us all... so very slowly.
so i guess all this wishing and hoping and even praying at times to a god that i don't understand or even belive in... that somehow things would be how they once were--that we would be a family again.
but that's the thing: we are a family. we're all just longing for the same imaginary place that we once convinced ourselves was normal. i love my family, even though we're so tormented by our demons. i guess that's how we're all connected... how we all survive and tolerate each other somehow.
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061013
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