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misstree
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"what am i getting out of this?"
i can't stop asking myself. sometimes when he comes padding in, he brings tokens, mice and rabbits and very nearly a deer (though it wasn't quite dead, and he scared the poor thing off). but why the waiting and wondering?
i tick off possibilities. it's not sex; we enjoy eachother in that way just enough that it's a night off for masturbation. the company in my bed is nice, but with weather chilling, my piles of pillows are more certain to be enjoyable embrace than he. the conversations are interesting, but half the time we're at different ends of the spectrum, either deep or shallow, and we watch eachother bewildered.
i keep returning to the art of him, this sleek feline. in meat, he is larger than life, six and a half feet and every inch owned, movement supple and muscular. the skin that clothes it is crawling with lines and runes and symbols, meanings shifting as they intertwine. a bright and broad nordic face is set with four lines, animating every expression tenfold as it dances through bright blue eyes.
and like much other art, there are parts to him that remain mystery. his past is far more sordid than mine in some ways, but he is absolutely innocent in others. i see the echoes of a two-year gone addiction in him, notes still humming after all this time, but many of the other habits fallen away. i can see some of the threads that have led to both his feline narcissism and his subtle self-hate, but his overall inner workings are so different from mine as to be unreasonably intriguing.
that may be the reason that i allow it, but it isn't what i get out of it, the old "what's in it for me?"
it's nice to be the one with the can opener, for once. more than nice; somewhere between nice and need, far enough that i keep an ear tuned to the sound of scratching at the door. i worry, because despite our differences we are undeniably brethren in Weird ways, and because i am his occasional caretaker, giving space and shower and rest for brief times, each of us offering and sharing as we can. this is no single-sided exchange; my belly has been filled and mind addled and adventure engaged many times by his sharings.
but to have one who is without, and to be able to provide... it is not need but so very important, a bed to sleep in, a soul to speak to, and i get plenty out of seeing that i can help.
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071013
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