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ClairE
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I remember you as a torrent of pain gushing out of me, as though I was giving birth. I think of physical pain. Your nails in my back. My nails in my wrist. Pills clutched in my hand. Your silence and your completely defeated eyes. I loved you so much I screamed for you, I howled in the streets of Cambridge. You picked me up from the emergency room but you wouldn't let me see you.
I found you again and it grew to love. You were the only one who knew what it was like. I could speak to you, I could talk to you and have you talk back. You were so undeniably soft. We kissed on the T and the silence of reaction was deafening. You helped me to success, and I wasn't using you. I wanted your neck and your soft breasts. God help me, I wanted to help you.
You've turned bitter and happy. You burnt my picture to grow the rose of your love. Thorns under my fingernails. You never want to see me again. You never want to see me again. I imagine you red with anger. I imagine you making bitchy remarks about me, pastries sitting on the cooling rack. I didn't have food photography, I didn't know to sit in silence, I didn't know how to love your way. I saw you walking down Summer Street to me and I knew that you loved me. I feel like my body ripped in two when I remember that.
I hope you're happy_in_love. I hope you're happy in love and I hope you're happy without_me. Happy without me, happy without me, gone forever, strangers in Boston, gone with the tides, gone forever, in the grave, dead to me, lost forever.
I love you. Goodbye.
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090511
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