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werewolf
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when i was a kid, the carnival, and especially the funhouse, or haunted house, was as big as an entire life to me. the moment when you first walked in and your eyes were doused in darkness and you were momentarily blind, but still subjected to the strange and hideous sounds your ears could faintly make out. and then you walked farther, and endured the raised heartbeats, the threatening surprises you consented to. eventually you reached the middle, and you could hear behind you those who are now like you were, giggling nervously or yelling out in an attempt to reach the darkness before the darkness reaches you. and you realized that you had become the very horror you once feared. you had the power to frighten them just as those who waited in the middle had the power to frighten you. it was such a strange sensation.
when i think back on that memory, the pull still feels irresistable. i want to walk into all of the disgusting sickness and horror. why do young men go to war? girls awkwardly talk to the man so unlike their upbringing? why do we go to work for bosses who inspire hate and desire in us? it seems we want to face the horror and conquer it. but the further in you go, and the more you conquer the more horror you also discover. suddenly you hear those around you in their nervousness and naivete and you realize that you are the horror. you can't even remember what it was like to be them.
and perhaps that is why i did all that i did. perhaps all of the fighting and mean-spiritedness and cruel love i engaged in, was out of compassion once. i wanted to understand the world so that i could forgive it, survive it. strangely it seemed the meaner i became the more compassion i felt. i forgave others what i did, and i forgave myself what others did. i just had to keep going until i felt i had reached the middle. as the most horrible i would be free. my alienation would not be my shame, but my greatest badge of honor. a hero is always separated from others. and it seemed all you had to do was let go of some falseness inside of you. and walk headlong, a step before your friends, into the stupid compelling madness of the funhouse.
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050223
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