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unhinged
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this deep crack inside me
yes, it is widened by my hormones and the cycle of my hormones. yes, there is a process where my brain absorbs chemicals that make my neurons work a certain way which produces feelings. but it seems too simple to say that this, this deep pain and suffering, is just chemical reactions in my brain.
because no matter how i try to alter the chemicals in my brain, it comes back over and over. from some deep hidden source. that no matter how many times i successfully alter my brain chemistry to a less painful place, i know that my pain will always return.
'epigenetic expressions of inherited trauma'
my ancestral family lived through some of the most traumatic events of the 20th century. i gobble up any information i can find about trauma. the connection between the physical and emotional. that my physical and emotional lives are shackled to each_other in an inexorable cycle that is existentially exhausting: knowing this fact doesn't really lessen anything when i am in the throes.
my intellect cannot save my heart
my heart
that plunges into the dark
and doesn't want to be lifted
or maybe
that can't lift itself
but doesn't know how to find help
once again
it is the season of my discontent
the summer taunting me
with her long warm days
as my heart shrinks on itself
but
it's all just chemicals in my brain
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190820
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