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Becky
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Sometimes in life there are things that are generally left unspoken and this isn't one of them. (sorry)
Aric, I'll never know what life really is without you. It wasn't much of anything. If it was anything at all. I did have my friends and I was happy as I could be at the time (which I won't get in to). But life does turn around sometimes. It jumps from place to place and pretend that it stayed right where it was. I'd like to believe that it never went anywhere, but I can't. I just can't. I don't like pretending and practically lying to you about what this has done to me mentally. It made me feel worthless. I mean how could I mean this much to you and have you do something like that to me. There is not an excuse in the world that could make it any better.. besides the obvious one. (but that's not the case now is it?). I would really love to be oblivious and just go about my merry way and never have to think about it. I can't help it though. It just pops up at random moments.. during a song.. (especially that "every little thing that we do.. should be between me and you") and it kills me. And I want to cry .. but can't because I know it's not what I should be doing.. I should be getting on with my life and moving forward. I'm just not sure of how I'm supposed to be doing that. If I knew, none of this would really matter. And maybe I was a little naive about this. We should have taken a break and I should have thought about it more. But I couldn't.... I loved you too much to just let her get what she wanted.. and I was confused. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe that you did what you did. I hate the fact that I remember that day so well.. how god damn happy I was that day. All the while you were at home... with.. her. I'm not even going to pretend that I didn't cry when I found out it was that day.. It wasn't even because that day was really that special or anything.. it was just that I was genuinely happy. That's just not a common occurence. That pushed me farther back.... *regression starts here.* I got really sad after that.. you hurt me in more way than you'll ever know. My stability is so minimal right now that I'm never really sure what I'm gonna do at a given time. Generally, I wing it. I do what feels best. But sometimes what feels best just isn't right and I know it.
I do want to stay with you because of so many reasons. And you do mean the world to me. I love you. This is just something I don't think I'll ever be able to get over. There were too many lies involved and then the act itself. Nevermind with what you wrote on here about how you wanted her and that you loved her and how you couldn't live without her. That killed me more than anything else you could have said. I mean.. why would you put something like that on the internet. Obviously you were never planning on showing me or even telling me that you did what you did. It just seems to me like you were planning on leaving me for her.. and from what I've heard.. At one point that was the case. Fine and dandy had you told me that before you went and did what you did. I'd still be bitter.. but I wouldn't have had to make the choices that I made. I should never have, in my life, had to make the choices that I made over the past few monthes. But I did.. and I made them.
I grew up a lot between august and now. I've been through things some will never have to deal with.. and I'm glad that they won't have to. It was hard.. really hard. It's still hard.
But in the end... I hope this doesn't kill me. Or kill us. Because I DO love you and I do want to stay with you. Even after all this and I'll I've said in here.. I want to be with you.. because (god knows why) I believe you when you say that you love me more than you ever loved anything.. and I believe you when you tell me I'm beautiful.. and I believed all the tears you shed for me.. or were those tears you shed for yourself.. pity? I'll never be sure.. but to be an ass I'll quote mr. dufresne (yes, him). "Don't cry because you got caught, cry because you did it in the first place."
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