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once again
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Nonchalant.
seeming to be indifferent.
Seeming.
that is me. that is you. that is us. it's what we are. You pretend you don't actaully want me. And I pretend I don't love you. And we pretend we don't care.
You are beautiful. And wonderful.
And heartbreaking.
You are like winning the Nobel Peace Prize, only to discover that it was all just a mix up.
Really it was meant for someone else.
It's like becoming the definition of self confidence. Knowing what true power is... only to have it torn away, by some cosmic flaw.
You are Flowers_for_Algernon.
And I don't want to say I love you, because it doesn't have the power it used to. When I said I love you when I was twelve it was an unbroken bond of perfect happiness.
I will say, instead, that I am there for you. Always. When you need a ride somewhere to be with someone else. When you need money that you will never repay, when you have noone else.
That I care, about your stupid icon and your silly sword. I care about your friendships and your heart breaks and how your day really was. It actually matters to me.
That I am committed. In my life, I have given up ballet, baseball, church, hockey, dreams, gymnastics, expecations, field hockey and friends too numerous to name. But I will not give up on you. I could say it's because you are worth it, but so were alot of the others. Really, I am committed to you, because you, of all people, never really gave up on me.
You suprise me. You shock me and amaze me. When I think that you are as dull as dirt you turn into a roller coaster and toss me screaming upside down.
You make me laugh. If you can make me laugh, you can own me. And I'm yours.
That says it all really. You never give me money. You rarely give me time or thought. You will never give me what I really want, but I'm yours.
And that kills me. Everyday. Because I am not the sort of person who depends on others. I have left people without regret, without remorse or second thoughts, and I cannot leave you. I cannot ignore you.
I'm yours.
And it's been like that for awhile.
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040730
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