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stork daddy
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had a bit of a hypomanic episode the other night. it happens when i stop the self-medication of social butterflying and drinking and am faced with a quiet room and a wall of books. is it rational to accept the state, knowing of its eventual flip side? a good deal of my creativity is attached to the ebbs of my brain states. it was all designed perhaps to interact with the expected environment of people and ideas and regular intake. i don't think it planned on there being booze.
would trying a cure be rational? if the happiness i experience in these moments is more intense, but less consistent than the stable mindset most people possess, should i accept its offering? or should i strive for consistency.
i knew i should have ridden it out. read some book on history or read kora in hell. but the crash was coming. go up to a friend's for three stiff drinks on an empty stomach? sure, what else do i have to do today? so i go to bed sleepy and forgetful if a bit ill. and i don't have to sit up and wade through all the things my brain was pointing me to.
there are different theories about depression. one is that it serves to protect one from the battle for social status when one is over their head. not like such issues would ever arise at the bastion of bon homme and goodwill that is law school. but i won't withdraw. i'll have a drink and do the reading, and get it and push to the back of my head what i'm going to do with my piece of paper when it arrives in may. maybe i'll sit one night and not pick up the phone when the garish and good meaning, as far as they know, call arrives. and i'll find a better way.
or perhaps i'll stop hiding the sadness. if another theory holds true, the costs of depression, of the total breakdown of functioning, is so great that it signals to others the sincerity of need. people thinking of me as sincere would certainly be a seachange.
all i ever wanted was to be a dancer on the side of the road. is that so wrong? why don't any of you want me to be that happy happy dancer. i want you to be happy. are the two mutually exclusive?
in closing this ramble a quote from python -
"one day son, all of this will be yours"....."what the curtains?"
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