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EECP
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I sit here, or I lay here....it really doesn't matter. The point being that I feel like I want to close my eyes and not wake up.
Not that I sleep, just that I feel the pieces of my soul tearing apart as if there is a horrible terror in me.
I feel my hands shaking. My whole body cringes and a wave of pain washes over. I wait for it to pass, kind of like when you kick your little toe and it starts to bleed, but it doesn't.
It hurts so much more than physical pain. I remember that too. When a blade was my best friend. When it was fun and helpful to cut, because then you would be numb for a bit. When I would cut for a purpose, and you would be sick to your stomach. When I would cut so much I could write with the blood if I thought appropriate. When razor blades and long sleeve t-shirts were my best friends.
Destructive? What does that matter? If you knew what was going on inside of me, would you think anything physical I could do would be destructive.
The lack of a being. Why is that such a horrible thing? Why does that instigate incapacitation? The pain is one that can't be explained. In fact I can't make it come into words. I don't know if I would want to anyway. It wouldn't help.
I want to be held. I want to be held until I die. I hope its soon, and I want to watch from the sidelines. I want to see how you react. I want to know if it would be enough for you to see. Will you realize what you don't have once its gone. Will you wake up. I don't think I care, but I do. Fuck! I don't want to.
I know that I can be held. I don't think it helps much. Maybe for the moment. Maybe, if it was on my speed dial.
That is why I sit here. That is why I will always sit here like this. Because there are millions that would take your place. There may be some that are worthy. I don't know I would deserve them anyway. Not wanting them as much as you would not make me deserving.
Why do I still care so much. Why do I feel it in my soul. I feel cursed. I feel as though a higher power will not let me be without you.
That is why I sit here....or lay here. I just hope that there is a change. Let the change be swift. Either way... I hope it turns out. I may die. I may live. I just hope that no one else goes through what I do now, because of me. I don't want anyone else to sit there. Where ever "there" may be.
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