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perfectly_chaotic
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You told me today that I was the first one you had kissed since you moved back from Texas in June after you and your husband separated. Not immediately knowing quite how to respond I said that “I suppose I should feel special… “. Your response to me was that of course I should; judging by the tone of your voice I must have, unknowingly to myself at the moment, sounded sarcastic when I made my unsure statement. Like a deer in the headlights I was caught off guard and not yet sure how I felt about that. Maybe I would have been better off not responding at all and just sitting in the silence.
Shortly after this you tell me that you are unsure of yourself and if you are yet ready to be with someone new on either an emotional or physical level. Maybe you saw the hurt in my eyes because almost immediately afterward you tell me that you still like me and perhaps there is hope for the future. My mind tells me that you were probably just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. My heart tells me not to listen to my mind. She appears to be damaged from her past, and while I appreciate her straightforwardness about this it is confusing that she leaves open a possibility of hope for any kind of future.
My mind suffers from this sickness caused by so many people in my past who have tried so hard to avoid hurting my feelings. I too am damaged. I have been misled and deceived. The truth had been obscured from me because people falsely believe that I cannot handle the truth. The actual truth of the matter is that the bewilderment from not knowing, from endlessly holding onto what are probably hopeless hopes, hurts much more than any kind of rejection that can thrown my way. I feel sick because I can no longer tell if I ought to listen to my mind, accepting what might be rejection, or my heart and her words, which could build me up again with what may be just another false hope. I am afraid of being built back up again because I have always been torn back down shortly after.
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101010
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