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1. I talk to myself out loud so that I don’t feel alone.
2. I have a huge fear of commitment.
3. I set myself up to get my heart broken on purpose
4. I break people’s hearts on purpose
5. I am deathly afraid of silence.
6. I chain smoke cowboy killers
7. I am the youngest and middle child
8. I am writing the story of my life, a love letter and my manifesto in the same book
9. If I die this moment, and there is a hell, I’m going to it.
10. I’ll always be a drug addict no matter how long I stay clean
11. I believe that the word “or” is the greatest tribute to indecisiveness, ever, without a doubt
12. I’ve been locked in a mental hospital twice
13. I’ve had to go, without being locked in, twice
14. I don’t believe in luck
15. I hate politicians, but I think most people do anyway
16. I have borderline personality disorder, but that’s just a label
17. I’m bulimic, but that’s just a label
18. Both my biological parents are preachers
19. Three of my parents have doctorate degree’s
20. Three of my parents majored in psychology and sociology, but not the same three
21. This doesn’t help solve any of my mental health issues
22. Both my biological parents are mixed (my mom: Portuguese-native American, my dad: Irish, African, Native American)
23. My father and I have the same middle name
24. I have attempted suicide five times
25. I turned 22 less than a week ago
26. I’m a cutter
27. I rarely remember good things about me
28. I spend a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, not because I’m vain, but, because I see so many things wrong with myself
29. I’ve had ten close friends commit suicide, and two more to overdose accidentally, in the past four years
30. My best friend died when I was in sixth grade
31. My parents divorced when I was five
32. My grandfather died a week later
33. My great-uncle died two weeks after that
34. People say that I am a beautiful boy
35. Almost every girlfriend that I’ve had since high school has told me that
36. Some ladies locked in the mental hospital with me told me that, and that I should have no reason to want to kill myself
37. It’s hard to believe ladies in mental hospitals
38. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen to a twenty-eight year old woman who thought I was a beautiful boy
39. She was my band teacher
40. I was scared and I cringe when guys get all excited about the idea of having sex with a teacher, so I rarely talk about it
41. I didn’t cry after 1992 until the summer of 2004
42. After that I didn’t cry until Christmas 2006
43. I have a story
44. I believe that everybody has a story
45. I am an adrenaline junkie
46. I’ve had sex with over fifty girls
47. I wish I’d never lost my virginity
48. I‘ve never had an STD
49. Girls say I’m a great lover
50. I don’t believe them
51. I’ve slept with women who have had more sexual partners than me
52. I don’t believe that just because you’ve had sex with many people that it makes you any good at it
53. I dated a thirty-two year old when I was eighteen
54. I had sex with my high school best friend’s mom when I was eighteen
55. They were not the same woman
56. I also had sex with his girlfriend
57. He is also a junkie
58. I haven’t seen him since graduation
59. I went to Emory University
60. He went to Georgia State
61. We we’re co-captains of both the cross-country and the track team senior year
62. We both decided not to run in college
63. He keeps running away from rehab
64. Our high school is a military academy
65. I’ve been more places out of the country than I have been in the country
66. I flew on a plane the first with only my five year old sister when I was two
67. My sister and I are the only members of our family to have grown up in Atlanta
68. Most everybody else lives in MD, Virginia, New York, Boston and Connecticut
69. Our parents decided to raise us like the upstate New Yorker part of our family
70. Even though we both have grown up in the south, neither of us have southern accents
71. My sister has no accent at all
72. I have a mix of the New York and Boston accents
73. Most of my friends down here are originally from either of those places
74. But I got the accent from my parents
75. Girls tell me it’s sexy
76. I think it’s just something that happened
77. The only thing I ever say that is remotely southern is ya’ll, which, with my accent, sounds very strange to some people
78. I have three tattoos and will get more very soon
79. I hate people that get tattoos for no reason; I believe each one should mean something to you
80. My mother and I have dark skin, while my father and sister have light skin, which is strange because my sister looks almost exactly like my mom
81. My eyes are hazel with prominent blue-green rings around the edges
82. I don’t look like either of my parents but I do look like my mom’s father who was pure Portuguese
83. Our little sister (half-sister) is eleven years younger than me
84. She looks nothing like us and very much like my step-mother
85. I get along with my step-parents better than I do with my parents, because we have more in common with each other
86. I like northern breakfast’ and southern dinners
87. I cook very well; my specialties are Italian, Steak and almost any Seafood
88. My mom wouldn’t get a maid because she believes that we should be able to take care of things ourselves
89. My mom is over-protective
90. She told me to never bring an ugly girl home, ever
91. She’s never let me ride public transportation
92. I don’t argue with her reasoning on those last two subjects
93. My sister and I are very protective of each other
94. There have been times when we have both threatened the lives of someone who rubbed the other the wrong way
95. My big sister is my life line
96. She would kill herself if I killed myself
97. I never seem to remember that in the moment
98. I love my family, any member from anywhere would come to the aid of another, we don’t have to ever worry about fighting our battles alone
99. I still choose to fight my own battles
100. I am losing
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