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misstree
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hey! wait a minute! i just thought of something... there's been something niggling at me, some element missing, some aspect overlooked... i was ranting the other day about bread and circuses, how life requires something more than circus, because that's just observation... you need interaction, too, because bumping up against other things is how you define the self, by having notself as contrast... and that's what's missing from the sensation ascention, is actual interaction...
::I was wondering when you would remember Play.::
yeah, well, the tattoo's on my back, i don't exactly see it a lot. but that's it, isn't it?
::What's what? And more importantly, what does it mean?::
that's the flaw. that's what's missing from the equation. and what does it mean? oh yeah... ooh...
::Start by looking at what you have.::
okay... lemmie light a cigarette... *exhales a plume of smoke* okay, so i'm going to go back to the tattoo for a minute... there's a lot of different symbols nodded at, some i didn't find until later... Desire has been around but subtle... and Play was part of something ask_kia told me... i agree that they belong on my back, as part of my name... they are the two halves of this, aren't they?
::You're on a roll, keep going.::
um, okay... i'll come back to desire, that's the piece i've been staring at... play... play is part of my nature as much, and indeed is a conduit to a form of the divine... but it's a different form... it's interactive input, where as desire, especially in this sense, is passive input... um...
::So you say that play is also a conduit?::
yes... i've witnessed this in sparkling moments, surfing the energy of a crowd, causing ripples, even just wandering around, but it's always interactive... lessee... its nature... it's not the leaving of the self... it's almost more of just being quieted with the self, um, not secluded but establishing complete connection rather than complete disconnection... again, it's rubbing up against the notme to define the me, it's pouncing on it and rolling around with it, it's joy... wait... desire, the source of the symbol... it was the top of the heirarchy... it was split into joy, attraction, and greed...
::Take a deep breath. Make it contain something worth smoking. And don't let words get the upper hand.::
righton. ... ... joy, joy, joy, that's the fucking root of this, it flutters about and lands on everything, it can ascribe itself to everything... it lands on Love, and that has nothing to do with this and don't you *dare* interrupt me yet, maybe i'll come back to that... joyjoyjoy fuck joy. i officialy banish that word from this conversation.
::Good for you.::
smartass.
::Remember who you're talking to.::
who am i talking to, anyway? it doesn't matter; i don't want to know. where was i? play and desire, interactive and isolationist... ironic that the interactive half is quite easily gained alone, to gain it in the presence of others requires either like mindsets or some sort of removal from the awareness of hivemind... though i suppose that makes sense... how else is one to truly contact the Self, but separation from our eyes reflected in others? and desire, the ultimate separation.
::Irony is a rare delicacy if you can stomach it.::
i'm used to it, and it's not bitter irony, except sometimes in practice... okay, so it does lead to a lot of bitter ironies... but those are mostly involved with desire... okay, let me get back to that and dissect it into three parts, may i?
::Be my guest.::
okay... haven't seriously delved into liber null in a while... but a quick step back from desire... there are six root emotions, three coagula and three salve, three coming together and three going apart. desire is one of these, the coagula opposite fear. it's accompanied by love and sex... let's rub these together and see what is it and notit...
::Getting creative with the vocab?::
i have the power of creation at my fingertips, what i can say limited only by my ability to express... and fuck 'em all, i know what i'm talking about.
::No need to be like that.::
yes there is. if i try to limit my language or censor myself or appeal to other minds, i dilute exactly what i'm doing. this is no lark through the park, dear, this is scraping at the bottom to try to break new ground. no one has had the experiences that i have, so no one has the same mental map, and each will draw their own conclusions, but it doesn't matter in the slightest, because "they" don't exist.
::Do you always get like this when you rant?::
yes. now, the it and notit... sex, love, desire... it makes sense that they're in that order, the returning cycle. they're further broken down into the mercurial, sulfuric, and salt aspects, but mercurial is all we're going to deal with, because after all this is about conact with some form of the divine whatever that means, and that's the end of the spectrum that hits it. still not gonna ask.
the mercurial aspects. sex is dissolution. heh. null talks about how the mage should go through a period of chastity and then "take every measure to bring himself to the highest point of excitation." we, or i at least, am talking about excitation as on a molecular level... i was saying to a Friend that it was like a single line of energy, lightning bolts like the piercings...
::Adultery?::
.....let me continue. excitation. regardig dissolution, null also talks about transcendence in very much the same way that i did earlier. funny, i haven't looked at this book in quite a long time, but that's pretty much the core of it in that one little word. yes, i know, be careful with words, but i'm a poet, i have some of them tamed.
mercurial aspect of love is rapture. null is useless describing this concept... but here i have leave to use Love in the proper sense, and then the piece fits. the boundless Love that can be felt at some moments, that's what makes me cry at the sight of kindness. it's that heart full to bursting. heh. again the connection with the All.
and mercurial aspect of desire is that j-word, which i again will stay away from. null talks about sunsets, religious imagery, nostalgia. petey boy must have led a boring life. while i can get off in that spiritual sense from a fox crossing a bridge in the woods, i also think that things like, i always think of it as the world dancing at my fingertips and then have trouble explaining it further...
::Examples?::
yes... sorry i was snippy earlier, breaking apart some rocks... heh... the suspension show. how's that for circus? i could have shot lightning bolts from my eyes that night. but active is here too, amityville parties. hostess of the apocalypse is not a title earned from sitting in a corner.
::So, how do you define desire? You never got around to that.::
i know, it's a toughie, i was avoiding it. joy, attraction, and greed... attraction the sulfuric and active, our base wants... again null is useless (bitter old fuck), talking about how attraction is mostly implanted by society... or maybe not useless, because of the it/notit dichotomy... in most, desires are "socially induced"... in primitive society, attractions would be to comforts, to reproduction. now desires are seeing the new tarantino movie, a raise at work (ooh, great god Moolah has set up camp here hasn't he, i thought i smelled something foul), it's the mundane definition of desires.
salt desire is greed. it is atrophied desire, i always associate this with tentacled things hoarding things in sewers, like that character booker in blanka's vamire game... endless accumulation, inability to satisfy desire.
so where does that leave joy? spiritual desire... you would think that it would be desire for Oneness, but that's the goal everywhere, neh? so there's got to be more to define it. drats, a bit stuck... ... ... ...helpful hints at any time...
::Huh? Oh. Um, isn't that for you to figure out?::
you weren't paying attention, were you?
::Start from a different angle.::
*sigh* whatever. okay, let me step back and look at what i've got, now that i'v been painting for a while.
i was talking about play and dissolution, bas... oh damn. it wasn't joy i should have been nailing down, why didn't you stop me from... never mind, it wasn't joy i should be nailing, it's play! playplayplay, play play playplay, that's why they called it joy! because it's that floating feeling, the sparklies, the wild grin! touchdown!
::Next time listen to me when I tell you to watch your words.::
next time stay awake while i'm babbling. so, i think i was wrong in assuming it was two pieces, i think it's three. dissolution, play and rapture.
::You win a cookie. But are the wolves gone?::
another time. now i'm armed a bit more properly. g'night.
wait... remind me later that passion and poetry and the drive of absence may be worth time... i guess that might be dipping into the solve, but that's fine..
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